nothing taste as good as skinny feels...

All my life I have been the bigger one out of all my friends. When I was younger I was size 7 all through Jr high and most of high school. I know you guys are thinking "that's not fat." But when all of your friends are a size 1, 0 or even the sickening 00... It gets kind of frustrating while you watch all of your friends share and swap clothes but you cant because you either cant get their pants up past your thighs or your shirts are night gowns on them.

Out of high school I got into a difficult relationship. He was a great guy for the first few months and then the drugs sucked him in. I personally have never had the desire to do drugs since I have seen what it had done to both my parents. But anyways, paychecks were gone before I could pay bills. Ex would get ahold of my card and go buy alcohol for all of his friends and then go buy drugs. So the only time I really ate, was when I was at work. Thank goodness I worked as a server so I got free meals.

Everyone thought I was doing drugs because I had lost a lot of weight. I went from a healthy 135 down to 115 in a few months. I know 20lbs doesn't sound like a lot but when you are short, you can really tell. Anyways, this went on for about 3 more years and was getting really tired of the drugs, stealing, getting calls from jail to pick him up, etc... I finally asked my dad if I could move back home because I was not happy and could not afford to live on my own. Of course my dad let me in because that meant no more Ex. No one in my family liked him so they were all very excited.

After that I focused on me and getting myself better. I got a better job and made new friends and even had fun dating a little. About a year went by and I went from that staggering 115 up to 145lbs. I was drinking a lot and partying, I wasn't worried about my weight... Until I looked in the mirror one day and saw how fat I was getting. I have always been self conscious about my body and what people thought of me. After a friend and I moved in together, I met Asshole.

We started dating and never let him see me naked. To this day, I still don't change in front of him. We were together for about 4 months and we found out I was pregnant. I was scared shit less about my weight... Well after I delivered our 1st child I had gained 57lbs and on delivery day I weighed 202lbs. I cried and cried about my weight. I started to lose it and was doing really good. Five months later and 30lbs lighter I was pregnant again. This time I had only gained about 35lbs so I was back to where I started at a little over 200lbs after our 2nd child.

I was absolutely disgusted with myself. I would not eat and just drink water. I was basically trying to starve myself so I could lose that weight. After 22 months of trying to exercise and giving up on myself I had lost a measly 30lbs, and also found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. This time I was pretty lucky because all of the morning sickness and not being able to eat I had lost about 30lbs (to date). I still feel and look huge but that is because of the baby belly I have already.

After this baby I am going to do anything and everything I can to get to my goal weight of 130lbs. When I told Asshole that I wanted to do spin classes and zumba and all the other fun weight loss things, he laughed and said "do you really think you can do that?" I was appalled by what he said. Yeah I say I want to do a lot of things and am all gung ho but then it just sizzles down. I told him that I am very serious about this and this weight is affecting my health and my life. I was pretty upset about that and that right there is going to be the fire under my ass that will push me farther and farther...

Until next time...