Parenthood is hard....

Why does parenthood have to be so hard? I feel like i am struggling to be a good parent. I have noticed that DS has been really acting out and I think its because of the changes going on around him. He started school this year and he is getting a new sibling. I have also noticed that he is very sensitive to change, so I am going to call his Dr and figure out what we can do.

I feel so bad, he is crying out for attention and I'm trying to give him a lot of one on one time and I have been trying to include him with all of the new baby stuff and have him help me around the house. He has really been out doing himself with being bad. He thinks that if he does something bad at least he will get some sort of attention from Asshole or Myself. I decided to cut out all of my Internet stuff. *This is more of my journal, so I decided to keep this and blog when the K's are sleeping.* I need to focus more on my kids because I always seem to get sucked into the Internet.

Asshole is still getting on my nerves. Even if I just look at him, I get that annoyed feeling. I'm trying to be nice to him but it seems like everything he does just sets me off. For example, DS was wanting him to go out and play with him but asshole was too busy watching the football game. Seriously?!? Your child is crying for your attention and you cant even take your shit filled eyes off the TV to go and play with your son. DD wanted to help him make breakfast this morning and he was getting mad because she was in his way. Your children want to hang out with you and do things with you, your barely home to begin with.. Just stop playing on the Internet or texting with your friends and play with your kids. They don't care if its just 10 minutes of reading books, playing cars, coloring or just wrestling on the bed.. They want that father bonding time.

I know I have had my fair share of bad parenting but I at least stop what I am doing so I can go play with the kids. I take them to the park when its not too hot outside, we go to target and get icees and popcorn or just make a fort and read books. Its the little things in life that they strive for. I got DS a Magnetic Calendar/Chore Chart that he can do daily and hopefully that will help him feel like a "Big Brother." We are trying to incorporate the fact that he is going to be a "Big Brother" again and that he needs to act like a big boy.

Lets hope everything works out for the better...

And now we are off to dream land...

Stressed to the max...

I have been so stressed lately with the K's and Asshole. Ive tried taking bubble baths, getting out of the house, even trying to take naps when the K's do.. But nothing is working. I am going to see my Dr next week about my depression and see what she can do for me. I'm also looking into some counseling for me and Asshole. I have some things that I really need to work on for my own health and well being and so does Asshole. I think this might make our family stronger. I feel so ashamed that I am taking Asshole back, but I truly feel that this will help our marriage if we do the necessary steps to make ourselves better.

Also the K's have been off the hook fighting for the past week and I can not stand it. I have tried Time Outs, Taking Toys Away and even Spankings.... And they are still little shits to each other. They are constantly taking toys from each other just to get a rise out of the other one. Don't get me wrong, I love my babies with all my heart, but the terrible 2's & 3's are really kicking my ass.

Our money situation is stressing me out too. Asshole brings home okay money, but we have had to get on Food Stamps and Wic to help with groceries. Our bills are starting to pile up and that just adds to the stress level. It also doesn't help when we have another little K on the way and need to start over on buying everything. I am just so very thankful for my friends and family who have really stepped up to help when they know that they don't have to. So thank you!

I know this is a short jumbled post but I have been so sick to my stomach today and have already *puked* 2x just from the stress today. I think the toilet is haunting me too... ugh

I'm not in love with you anymore...

I feel in my heart that my marriage has been slowly going down the toilet. These past four years have been a mixture of amazement, beauty, heartache and depression. Of course the best parts were the births of my children, that is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. On the other hand, the heartache that Asshole has put upon me can never be lifted. No matter how hard I try to look past all of the flaws, cheating, lying and sneakiness. I still have that hurt, anger and very big grudge. Like I said in my previous posts, I hold grudges for a very, very long time.

I always told myself that I would Never be with someone who cheats on me. I would always see friends with cheating boyfriends and ask them "Why are you still with him?" or "Why don't you leave him to find someone who will treat you better?" And they would never really give me an answer or say that they love them and are working things out. Well, I now find myself in this same situation. And now I am hearing those same questions I used to ask my friends being asked to me "Why are you still with Asshole?" "You need to find someone that will treat you better and not cheat on you." And now I understand why I cant give a reason or answer.

But this time its different, I am letting go of everything Asshole. I cant be the door mat anymore, I need to do what is the healthiest decision for my children and myself. I need to work on my depression and being the best mom I can be to my 2 children and especially the little one on the way. All of the stress and anxiety has completely overwhelmed me and Ive noticed myself having Braxton Hicks a lot more often and a lot longer than usual.

I know I haven't been the perfect wife these past 4 years but there is one thing that puts me in a total different category than Asshole.. And that is the fact that I have been Faithful throughout this whole marriage. Yeah I have told little white lies or haven't given him sex in a long time, but when we do get close all I can think about is that he has cheated. That is what pushes me away and makes me not even want to be touched by him. Even my Ex never cheated on me, so that says something... When Asshole gets caught or anything like that, he pulls the "Well your not affectionate with me anymore." or "What about my needs." or "We can try counseling." Right now your needs are shit to me...

I don't know what god has in store for me, But I know that I am doing the right thing.

nothing taste as good as skinny feels...

All my life I have been the bigger one out of all my friends. When I was younger I was size 7 all through Jr high and most of high school. I know you guys are thinking "that's not fat." But when all of your friends are a size 1, 0 or even the sickening 00... It gets kind of frustrating while you watch all of your friends share and swap clothes but you cant because you either cant get their pants up past your thighs or your shirts are night gowns on them.

Out of high school I got into a difficult relationship. He was a great guy for the first few months and then the drugs sucked him in. I personally have never had the desire to do drugs since I have seen what it had done to both my parents. But anyways, paychecks were gone before I could pay bills. Ex would get ahold of my card and go buy alcohol for all of his friends and then go buy drugs. So the only time I really ate, was when I was at work. Thank goodness I worked as a server so I got free meals.

Everyone thought I was doing drugs because I had lost a lot of weight. I went from a healthy 135 down to 115 in a few months. I know 20lbs doesn't sound like a lot but when you are short, you can really tell. Anyways, this went on for about 3 more years and was getting really tired of the drugs, stealing, getting calls from jail to pick him up, etc... I finally asked my dad if I could move back home because I was not happy and could not afford to live on my own. Of course my dad let me in because that meant no more Ex. No one in my family liked him so they were all very excited.

After that I focused on me and getting myself better. I got a better job and made new friends and even had fun dating a little. About a year went by and I went from that staggering 115 up to 145lbs. I was drinking a lot and partying, I wasn't worried about my weight... Until I looked in the mirror one day and saw how fat I was getting. I have always been self conscious about my body and what people thought of me. After a friend and I moved in together, I met Asshole.

We started dating and never let him see me naked. To this day, I still don't change in front of him. We were together for about 4 months and we found out I was pregnant. I was scared shit less about my weight... Well after I delivered our 1st child I had gained 57lbs and on delivery day I weighed 202lbs. I cried and cried about my weight. I started to lose it and was doing really good. Five months later and 30lbs lighter I was pregnant again. This time I had only gained about 35lbs so I was back to where I started at a little over 200lbs after our 2nd child.

I was absolutely disgusted with myself. I would not eat and just drink water. I was basically trying to starve myself so I could lose that weight. After 22 months of trying to exercise and giving up on myself I had lost a measly 30lbs, and also found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. This time I was pretty lucky because all of the morning sickness and not being able to eat I had lost about 30lbs (to date). I still feel and look huge but that is because of the baby belly I have already.

After this baby I am going to do anything and everything I can to get to my goal weight of 130lbs. When I told Asshole that I wanted to do spin classes and zumba and all the other fun weight loss things, he laughed and said "do you really think you can do that?" I was appalled by what he said. Yeah I say I want to do a lot of things and am all gung ho but then it just sizzles down. I told him that I am very serious about this and this weight is affecting my health and my life. I was pretty upset about that and that right there is going to be the fire under my ass that will push me farther and farther...

Until next time...

Me, Depressed?

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would fall victim to Depression. I always saw myself as a happy person, loved life and had amazing friends. I thought depressed people were not happy with their lives and wanted to blame it on being sick.

Well Ive realized that I have been hit with a nasty case of depression. It doesn't really help that I am pregnant either. I am just a big ball of emotions right now and Asshole is not helping the situation at all. I feel so bad for my children because I feel like I'm not being the fun loving mother they need and how I used to be. I cry every time I think about how shitty of a mother I have turned out to be. I swore to myself that I would never turn into my drug infested mother and I can feel myself turning into her... Minus the Drugs!

When I think about how my childhood was, I get sad because both my parents were drug addicts and thankfully my father decided that family and his job were more important. I just wish my mother thought me and my sisters were that important. But you cant change the past.

Tomorrow the kiddos and I are gonna go out and spend some quality time together. They are so loving and caring, all they want is their mommy. I want so badly to give that to them. I am going to call my Dr in the morning and make an appt. I don't know what they can give me since I am pregnant, but we will see. I am also going to look into counseling for myself. I tend to hold grudges for a very long time.. But that is a whole other post.

I have to get better...

I NEED TO GET BETTER....

Where it all began..

It was right after Asshole and I had our first child. I was about 3 weeks post partum and wanted nothing to do with sex, cuddling, spooning.. Whatever... All I wanted was my sleep! I told him to go watch a porn or something and go rub one out. I was a new mother and being the only one who got up with D, I was tired.

Well I noticed Asshole on myspace a lot at night and while I was out of the house. At first I didn't think much of it and just brushed it off. Well one day Asshole left his myspace open and ran to the store. And you guessed it, I started snooping Investigating. I looked in his inbox and sent box and noticed all of these messages to and from big black bitches. I was completely appalled by what was said. Yeah I might have been a little over weight, but that is because I had gained 57 god damn pounds in 9 10 fucking months. Give me a fucking break! Anyways back to the story...

I copy and pasted majority of the convos and printed them out. I let it go a few days to see if anything else was going to come of it. Well, one day he just pissed me off and I let him have it. I tossed the papers at him and told him to get the fuck out of my house! I was so sick to my stomach and wanted nothing to do with him. I packed D's and my clothes and went to my dads for the night.

After countless phone calls of "I'm sorry" "It was completely wrong of me to do this" etc... I came back home. We talked and both cried. I told him how much of a piece of shit he was and it made me look like an even bigger piece of shit sticking with him. We did a few counseling sessions and it seemed like me leaving was changing his ways...

Little did I know...

Welcome...

Welcome to my life...

Here I will talk express my feelings of being a stay at home mom with depression tendencies, my self esteem, weight loss gain and a husband with infidelity tendencies...

This is not the life I pictured for myself, but its the one god dealt me. So I am trying my best to be a good mother to my children and figuring out my life with my husband.

Welcome to my life...