I'm not in love with you anymore...

I feel in my heart that my marriage has been slowly going down the toilet. These past four years have been a mixture of amazement, beauty, heartache and depression. Of course the best parts were the births of my children, that is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. On the other hand, the heartache that Asshole has put upon me can never be lifted. No matter how hard I try to look past all of the flaws, cheating, lying and sneakiness. I still have that hurt, anger and very big grudge. Like I said in my previous posts, I hold grudges for a very, very long time.

I always told myself that I would Never be with someone who cheats on me. I would always see friends with cheating boyfriends and ask them "Why are you still with him?" or "Why don't you leave him to find someone who will treat you better?" And they would never really give me an answer or say that they love them and are working things out. Well, I now find myself in this same situation. And now I am hearing those same questions I used to ask my friends being asked to me "Why are you still with Asshole?" "You need to find someone that will treat you better and not cheat on you." And now I understand why I cant give a reason or answer.

But this time its different, I am letting go of everything Asshole. I cant be the door mat anymore, I need to do what is the healthiest decision for my children and myself. I need to work on my depression and being the best mom I can be to my 2 children and especially the little one on the way. All of the stress and anxiety has completely overwhelmed me and Ive noticed myself having Braxton Hicks a lot more often and a lot longer than usual.

I know I haven't been the perfect wife these past 4 years but there is one thing that puts me in a total different category than Asshole.. And that is the fact that I have been Faithful throughout this whole marriage. Yeah I have told little white lies or haven't given him sex in a long time, but when we do get close all I can think about is that he has cheated. That is what pushes me away and makes me not even want to be touched by him. Even my Ex never cheated on me, so that says something... When Asshole gets caught or anything like that, he pulls the "Well your not affectionate with me anymore." or "What about my needs." or "We can try counseling." Right now your needs are shit to me...

I don't know what god has in store for me, But I know that I am doing the right thing.

Me, Depressed?

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would fall victim to Depression. I always saw myself as a happy person, loved life and had amazing friends. I thought depressed people were not happy with their lives and wanted to blame it on being sick.

Well Ive realized that I have been hit with a nasty case of depression. It doesn't really help that I am pregnant either. I am just a big ball of emotions right now and Asshole is not helping the situation at all. I feel so bad for my children because I feel like I'm not being the fun loving mother they need and how I used to be. I cry every time I think about how shitty of a mother I have turned out to be. I swore to myself that I would never turn into my drug infested mother and I can feel myself turning into her... Minus the Drugs!

When I think about how my childhood was, I get sad because both my parents were drug addicts and thankfully my father decided that family and his job were more important. I just wish my mother thought me and my sisters were that important. But you cant change the past.

Tomorrow the kiddos and I are gonna go out and spend some quality time together. They are so loving and caring, all they want is their mommy. I want so badly to give that to them. I am going to call my Dr in the morning and make an appt. I don't know what they can give me since I am pregnant, but we will see. I am also going to look into counseling for myself. I tend to hold grudges for a very long time.. But that is a whole other post.

I have to get better...

I NEED TO GET BETTER....