I'm not in love with you anymore...

I feel in my heart that my marriage has been slowly going down the toilet. These past four years have been a mixture of amazement, beauty, heartache and depression. Of course the best parts were the births of my children, that is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. On the other hand, the heartache that Asshole has put upon me can never be lifted. No matter how hard I try to look past all of the flaws, cheating, lying and sneakiness. I still have that hurt, anger and very big grudge. Like I said in my previous posts, I hold grudges for a very, very long time.

I always told myself that I would Never be with someone who cheats on me. I would always see friends with cheating boyfriends and ask them "Why are you still with him?" or "Why don't you leave him to find someone who will treat you better?" And they would never really give me an answer or say that they love them and are working things out. Well, I now find myself in this same situation. And now I am hearing those same questions I used to ask my friends being asked to me "Why are you still with Asshole?" "You need to find someone that will treat you better and not cheat on you." And now I understand why I cant give a reason or answer.

But this time its different, I am letting go of everything Asshole. I cant be the door mat anymore, I need to do what is the healthiest decision for my children and myself. I need to work on my depression and being the best mom I can be to my 2 children and especially the little one on the way. All of the stress and anxiety has completely overwhelmed me and Ive noticed myself having Braxton Hicks a lot more often and a lot longer than usual.

I know I haven't been the perfect wife these past 4 years but there is one thing that puts me in a total different category than Asshole.. And that is the fact that I have been Faithful throughout this whole marriage. Yeah I have told little white lies or haven't given him sex in a long time, but when we do get close all I can think about is that he has cheated. That is what pushes me away and makes me not even want to be touched by him. Even my Ex never cheated on me, so that says something... When Asshole gets caught or anything like that, he pulls the "Well your not affectionate with me anymore." or "What about my needs." or "We can try counseling." Right now your needs are shit to me...

I don't know what god has in store for me, But I know that I am doing the right thing.

Where it all began..

It was right after Asshole and I had our first child. I was about 3 weeks post partum and wanted nothing to do with sex, cuddling, spooning.. Whatever... All I wanted was my sleep! I told him to go watch a porn or something and go rub one out. I was a new mother and being the only one who got up with D, I was tired.

Well I noticed Asshole on myspace a lot at night and while I was out of the house. At first I didn't think much of it and just brushed it off. Well one day Asshole left his myspace open and ran to the store. And you guessed it, I started snooping Investigating. I looked in his inbox and sent box and noticed all of these messages to and from big black bitches. I was completely appalled by what was said. Yeah I might have been a little over weight, but that is because I had gained 57 god damn pounds in 9 10 fucking months. Give me a fucking break! Anyways back to the story...

I copy and pasted majority of the convos and printed them out. I let it go a few days to see if anything else was going to come of it. Well, one day he just pissed me off and I let him have it. I tossed the papers at him and told him to get the fuck out of my house! I was so sick to my stomach and wanted nothing to do with him. I packed D's and my clothes and went to my dads for the night.

After countless phone calls of "I'm sorry" "It was completely wrong of me to do this" etc... I came back home. We talked and both cried. I told him how much of a piece of shit he was and it made me look like an even bigger piece of shit sticking with him. We did a few counseling sessions and it seemed like me leaving was changing his ways...

Little did I know...